189 as of this morning. Not as big a drop as the past couple of weeks, but I'll take it. It's certainly better than going up, right? And I fully expect my weight to plateau at some point, so maybe I get down a few more pounds, and then it's all about maintenance. I can live with that.
I've about had it with the melatonin. It's never worked, and even Tylenol PM let me down last night. Frustrating. Looks like Sleepytime Tea is going to be next on the list.
So...why am I sharing so much of myself here? I guess there are two main reasons. One: Putting myself out there publicly, I think, helps insure that I'm honest about my illness, and about what it's going to take to get better, and also makes it that much more important for me to continue my mission to get back to being the man I was. Could this backfire? Most certainly, which is why making sure I avoid the humiliation of falling back into that black fog is paramount. Am I sharing too much? Yeah, I probably am. After all, this is my journey. I have plenty of love and support from those I love most, but this is about doing what I need to do.
The other reason is the hope that someone going through a similar difficulty might happen to stumble upon this, and see that it is possible to get up and try again. It's hard, and in my case it almost always takes drastic circumstances to motivate me to do it. But there is help out there for those of you suffering from depression, ADHD, or any other mental illness or condition that inhibits your happiness and your ability to be yourself.
Get help. Now. You can get better, it is possible. Do it for yourself, and for the life you want. And don't forget where you were before, and how it felt, so that to do everything you can to avoid it in the future. Put it behind you, but keep it in your mind when you feel less than motivated to try.
And again, this isn't meant to be a litany of "Woe is me" online. I want it to be more of a recognition that I'm back at it, fighting and clawing at the surface, forcing my real self to break through once more. I can feel it, it's coming. Soon.
3 comments:
My personal sleep cocktail:
20 mg Melatonin
1000 mg Tryptophan
1000 mg B Vitamin complex
1000 mg Magnesium
1000 mg 5-htp
I know these doses are high. I did not start them this high. Everybody's different and what works for one may not help another.
Oh, it's not as expensive as you might think. I get my supplememnts at iHerb.com. Best prices I've ever found.
Sometimes I add in a single or double dose of Diphenhydramine. It's the same thing as Benadryl or Dramamine. Dirt cheap at CostCo.
I need my sleep.
PS I may never get used to how you look skinny.
Oops. Make that 200 mg of 5-HTP. I was going by the size of the capsules.
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