First off, I want to say that I had a great weekend. It was a nice time of getting away (to the water!), spending time with both Jess and my daughter, meeting new friends, celebrating a momentous occasion, and relaxation. And the fact is I'm very optimistic about some things right now. VERY optimistic. AND, today is day 85 without a drink. So all good news there. But even at the best of times, there's always something nagging in the background, making sure that, no matter how good I feel right now, I shouldn't count on that feeling to stick around, because there's a monkey wrench heading towards me...
It's coming, quickly, and I can see it just off in the distance. There's no avoiding it, nor a chance to get out of its' way. All escape hatches are closed and battened down, with only a brick wall behind me. Are there lifelines? I can't really tell, there's a light blocking my view above. I suppose there are, there always seem to be, but I'm feeling a little too anxious to try and reach for one. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm worried that I'll make a grab and have it yanked away. Or worse, what I thought was a lifeline turns out to be a python. I close my eyes, brace myself, and whisper "Here we go again..."
It's a week and a half until the end of the month. Which means the beginning of next month, which means the rent's due, and I have come to the end of yet another month without being able to find any way to keep the twin bullies of worry and shame away from getting at my psyche. If it's getting boring for you to read about, imagine how boring it's getting for me to talk about. Not boring, that's the wrong word. I'm not sure there is a word to describe how I feel about it at this point. But it's always there, even on my better days. It's going to be there, until I can pull myself out of this rock slide that slows down about the middle of each month, and then starts up again in the last week or so.
I've taken steps to try and kill the beast more or less permanently, and hopefully I'll have some good news on that front soon. But even with that, there's the end of this month to deal with, and I'm once again straining my finances and juggling bills and wants and needs in order to avoid, somehow, humiliating myself yet again in order to keep a roof over my head for another month. A few years back, for similar reasons, I went through what I thought at the time was the worst year in my life. Things were bad on almost all fronts. Emotionally, financially, and nearly everything else-ally, I was struggling to get myself out of a rather deep hole. This year, while not a loss on all fronts in many ways, seems to be trying to compete with 2007/2008 for the title of Most Trying Year of My Life. And even with my emotional and psychological well being making huge strides (Thanks to modern chemistry, therapy, and perhaps most of all to a certain Whisky Witch), the financial troubles I'm having seem to be picking up the slack.
Good Lord, how much longer can I possibly stand this? And what's it going to take for the Universe to cut me a break in this area? I've gotten help, but I'm starting to feel like an ass, hat in hand all the time, hoping someone will bail me out. I really don't want to be bailed out, but all my efforts over the past several months have come up short of putting myself in a position to take care of all of this on my own. Can this really be where I am at this point in my life? Have I done something so bad as to deserve to be here, frustrated and scared?
This is what my mind goes through in the last two or so weeks of every single month lately. I'm tired. I'm bored of it. I really need it to change. Now. I deserve better.
Come on, Universe. Just this once...
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