Triggers

I was listening to Chris Titus' "Norman Rockwell is Bleeding" CD last night, specifically the bit where he talks about his mother's death, and the fact that he couldn't really deal with it until all of his memories of her came back in one instant while eating dinner on an airplane.  It made me think of things in my own life that have triggered memories at unexpected times.

A few years back, I was working in downtown Boston.  I was also living in the city at the time, so I took the subway into work every day.  On nice days, I could get off at Park Street station and walk through Boston Common and the Boston Public Garden every morning and afternoon.  I really enjoyed that part of my day.  It was definitely a better way to get to work than sit in traffic or stand in a cramped train moving through dark tunnels.  It was also a lot healthier.

One afternoon, while walking past the playground on the Common, I saw a little girl and her parents heading toward the swing set.  When the girl realized where they were going, she broke away from her parents and started running to it, absolutely elated, all the while shouting "I wanna swing!  I wanna swing!"  It was such a genuine moment of pure, innocent joy, that I just couldn't move from the spot I was in.  I stood there, watching, for several minutes.  I'm not ashamed to admit that I even teared up a little (Which isn't as strange as it might sound.  It's not all that unusual to see someone standing by themselves and crying on the Common.  Most folks probably just assumed I was a well dressed homeless person).

The whole scene brought up such a powerful memory of my own daughter at that age, and how enthusiastic she was about absolutely everything she did.  I've written this year about her going to college, and about coming to terms with the fact that she's now an adult, and no longer my little girl.  Those things are all true, and I've found that I'm actually having an okay time of it, because I know she's got a good head on her shoulders and she's smart and resourceful.  Of course I've been thinking about her childhood, and the memories of all the fun I tried to make sure she had, the lessons I hope she learned from me, and also of all those things I'd love to have a chance to do again, or even do differently.  But nothing has ever triggered such a strong emotional reaction as that one day on Boston Common.

Now that she's a month into her college experience, I find my confidence in her ability to adjust to this new lifestyle is entirely justified.  The little girl who was so enthusiastic about everything she did is now the young woman who runs her own life and has managed to navigate a whole new world.  We've helped her with moving and supplies, but she's taken it from there and is thriving.  I'd like to think I've had something to do with that.  And I hope she stays as enthusiastic as the girl who put all that she had into the first 18 years of her life.  It's one of the things I've tried to learn from her...