Not That Guy

Well, someone just left a comment on an old post implying that might be the same John Curtin who was charged with providing alcohol to minors in Pennsylvania. I'm not. He's John R.Curtin, I'm John J. Curtin. He's 20, I'm 36. He's in Pennsylvania, I'm in Massachusetts. And I'm none too thrilled abot having my namesake attached to the title of a blog about someone like that. So for anyone who does a Google search on the name, I hope they read this post. I am not him, he is not me, and whomever put that blog up better understand that, whatever good intentions they may have, their actions could have real-world, unintended consequenses for me. And if they do, I will have my lawyer at their throat.

BTW, I tried to leave this as a comment at the other blog, but I'm blocked from doing so.

Oh, I Thought I Was An Adult

So, my company merged, and the new place has all kinds of webcop security on the internet, which means I can't check my email, look for comedy work, or update the blog. You know, I do understand that there are legitimate reasons for doing that sort of thing, and it's their computers and all that. But I am an adult, and I know when to surf and went not to, and I'd like it if the company I worked for would be a little less paranoid. That's all.

It's Just Crazy Enough To Work

Kos writes that the administration's seemingly bi-weekly claims to have killed or captured Al Qeda's #2 are faulty, because they can't all be the #2 guy. But here's the thing: What if that's been the plan all along? Every couple of weeks, they identify the top deputy in Al Qeda, take him out, and wait until the new guy takes over. Give him some time to get used to the bigger cubicle, hang some pics on the corkboard, etc. Just when he's getting used to the free skybox tickets at the soccer stadium, we (the Coalition of the Willing) zap him! Eventually, there's going to be no one left to take the gig, and then they go git bin Laden. I mean, the guy's practically moving in slo-mo at this point, dragging a big-ass kidney dialysis machine around the mountains of Pakistan, right? It's diabolical, and inspired. Kos really needs to broaden his thinking and start hearting the War on Terror.

Because I Do Whatever John Rogers Says

Read Dingo. It's good, so far.

Going Underground

So I've been asked to participate in the 2005 New York Underground Comedy Festival. On Thursday, October 6, I'll be at Connies Restaurant in Derby, CT. That's right, I'm so underground, I'll be in a different state entirely. I'm pretty happy about it though, seeing as I haven't had much going on, comedy-wise, lately. If you're in the area, stop by and say hello.

No Wait, Is THIS For Real?!?

Karl Rove is in charge of the reconstruction of New Orleans?!?

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?

Irony is over. Out Of Touch is the new black.

Is This For Real?

Is Reuters playing with photoshop or something?

(link via Atrios)

CoveRAGE

I agree with Rogers, in that I can't even begin to provide any kind of competent coverage of the Gulf Coast hurricane aftermath, certainly not as good as others have. Kos recommends Atrios as required reading today. I could say the same about Kos.

You know, the more I read, the more pissed off I get about this whole situation, and how preventable it was.

Where To Turn

There's a pretty good list of organizations providing help for Katrina victims here (link from Kevin Drum). Of course, there are also plenty of bottom-feeders out there who have already launched scam websites looking to steal your money, so approach any of those emails in your inbox with caution. The magnitude of this tragedy is going to take a while to fully sink in, I think. And the news doesn't seem to get any better as time goes on. Hopefully, that will change soon.

Knee-Jerk Defined

Sean Hannity should be scrubbing toilets somewhere. I mean it, the guy has more qualifications to push a broom than he does to comment on the events of the day. Why people take seriously a guy who does things like this is completely baffling to me. Fox News would be better served plucking some kid out of the Talk Radio class at Connecticut School of Broadcasting and giving them a show than keeping a dope like Hannity on the air.

Here We Go

I guess it was only a matter of time before someone out there decided that the massive devastation on the Gulf Coast is the result of God's wrath over something or other, right? It seems Pat Robertson (he of the "Blame America First" crowd's "Assassinate World Leaders I Don't Like" subgroup) has a little too much on his plate right now, so these ankleheads have decided to pick up the ball and run with it. And really, doesn't it just make sense? I mean, if a glob of mayonaise on someone's shirt can be the image of Jesus, why can't a computer-generated image of a hurricaine be a fetus?

Extreme Makeover: Blog Edition

Yup, it's the new look 'blog. The old style was a bit hard to read, for me at least, and I noticed that everyone seemed to use that particular design, so I changed it to something else, for now. Hopefully, once I finally get off'n my ass and redesign my main website, I'll add this content into that page, and so make it easier for those of you who have to link over to this page from that one. Of course, the chances of that happening are laughable at best, so whatever.

I HATE BLOCKQUOTE

That is all.

I Guess I Hate You All

And not even in the normal, America-Hating-Liberal way. Imagine my surprise when I found out that, according to Washing Post writer Stephen Hunter, the simple fact that I'm a comedian who enjoys the odd dick joke indicates that I hate and fear anyone who isn't in showbiz. Imagine my suprise.

Oh! And by the way, jokes are now WMD's, according to the shrewd Mr. Hunter, who takes the traditional "Comedians are all crying on the inside" bit, and extends it to the point of absurdity. Dig this:

What you see here isn't so much sexual neurosis but career neurosis. You see the entertainer's fear and loathing of that regular place most of us would call the world. He hates the square ideas that are the foundation of such a place: the family structure of parents nurturing kids in healthy, loving relationships; the economic underpinning known as a job, attended regularly rain or shine, sickness or health, out of a sense of obligation; the slow socialization of children so that they can ultimately survive in that same world.

Now, I don't speak for the comics in the film, but most of the folks I know in the business HAVE families, kids, houses, etc. Some of them even have dayjobs. So what the fuh is Mr. Hunter talking about? I like being a comic because I like it, that's all. This has nothing to do with fear and loathing of normal society. I live in a suburb, my daughter is an A student, my girlfriend works in the public sector, and her daughter is a typical 4-year-old who loves pizza and Blue's Clues and her grandparents, probably in that order. Do I have a particular take on family life and politics and society in my act? Yes, I do. But I live in it and function in it just the same. I have no desire to tear the whole thing down, even if certain elements of it drive me nuts once in a while. Watching a movie about comics sharing an inside joke gives no more of an insight into what comics love and hate and fear than watching a porno gives you an insight into good hygene.

Note to Stephen Hunter: Sometimes a dick joke is just a cigar, jackass.

My First Turf

Yup, I turfed a comment in my August 5th post. Nothing big, just an anonymous spam about god-knows-what. Anyway, I got a couple questions about it, so there you go.

And Now We Know

The President talks American, thank be to the man who coach him talk like that.

Send Limbaugh to the Front Lines

When I worked in talk radio, one of my early responsibilities was to run the tapes of the previous days' Rush Limbaugh Show during the overnight hours. So no only did I accept his challenge to liberals to give him one week, I gave him well over a year. I'll be honest, he could be entertaining, and he clearly has a gift for communication. The problem is, he's a completely unhinged sociopath. Don't believe me? Ask yourself, what kind of human being would accuse someone of going into a warzone to "pad his resume," while he himself got out of military service for having ass warts? Was Hackett doing house-to-house searches in Iraq? No, but he was certainly in much more danger than Limbaugh in the 60's and 70's. I think it's not too late for Rusty to do his part, though. He'd clearly do a great job filling Baghdad Bob's shoes.

Screw Captain America

These guys are my posse now.

Of course, this book comes as no surprise to those of us who have suspected all along that Liddy, Hannity, et. al., were evil cyborgs.

"Our System Works"

Click here. Pay particular attention to the section regarding the judge's statement, then remember that Jose Padilla (among others) is STILL in confinement, denied any constitutional rights. And don't forget that it's being done in your name.

Ben Stein: 14 Minutes And Counting

Okay, I get it, Ben Stein is a TV-ready Conservative commentator who used to work in the White House in the early 70's (Oh, and let's set the record straight here: he was a speechwriter, not the goddamn Secretary of State. In other words, he wasn't Sam Seaborn, he was the two guys that followed Sam around every few episodes who's names you can't remember, Mkay?). But after Ferris Bueller and that crappy game show he hosted, what's he really got going on? You'd think a guy as smart as everyone says he is would know to get out from in front of this runaway train, but I guess not. Maybe we should try to get him on some celebrity card game show or something...

Sorta Like Mad Libs, Only With Guns

Here.

Nice to see the DoD has streamlined the investigative reporting process. Next up, 35 unidentified Iraqi women give their unsolicited, unedited "Thumb's up!" to the new Iraq constitution...

Dignifization

*cough* Lot's of dust around here. Guess I haven't posted in a while. More on that later.

President Bush says he would like to see a "dignified" confirmation process for his Supreme Court nominee. I agree. I think it should be at least as dignified as the process by which his administration deals with its critics.

Everything Old Is New Again

Last night, the President reached back into the archives to pull out the "We need to go to war with Iraq because of 9/11" bit. I keep getting this nagging feeling that some kind of panel or other had come to the conclusion that Iraq had NO CONNECTION to the attacks of 9/11. But, you know, that was how many news cycles ago? I'm probably just remembering it wrong. More Victory Gin over here!

Better Still, Put Him A Room With This Guy

A writer to Daily Kos responds to the exploitation of 9/11 this week by two prominent Republicans. Amen.

Somebody Please Kick Karl Rove In The Sac

This vicious, conniving, dirty bastard should be forced to wear a clown suit every day of his life, and the general public allowed to throw pies at him whenever we wish. And I don't just mean plates filled with whipped cream. I'm talking hot, steaming, fresh-out-of-the-oven apple pies. One's that leave a bruise. Jackass jackass jackass, he needs a kick in the ball-bag by an FBI interrogator.

He's Not An Ideologue, He Just Hates Democrats

Edward Klein continues to flog his largely discredted book about Hillary, and landed on Hannity and Colmes last night (and on Hannity's radio show earlier in the day). Seems to me like the right isn't too pleased with all the innuendo Klein's dishing out. Read this.

You have to wonder, if even Sean Hannity doesn't want to get in on this, how far overboard can Klein have gone?

News Flash: Bill Frist Is A Huge Asshole

So, now that medical science has confirmed what ALMOST EVERYONE EXCEPT DR. SENATOR BILL FRIST, M.D. knew, he's decided everything's okely-dokely-do, and the case is closed. No mention of his unconscionable personal attacks on Michael Schiavo, not one word about the fact that his public (false) statements gave credibility to all the other politicians who decided to jump on the bandwagon (All of whom, btw, need to go to Michael Schiavo's home and apologize to him personally. And if I were Schiavo, I wouldn't answer the door). What we get from the Majority Leader is an "Okay, what's next?"

Frist needs to be shot out of a cannon. Or voted out of office and exposed for the craven piece of scum he is.

Was that a negative, partisan attack? Sorry.

No, I'm not.

p.s.- (1:41 PM) Why isn't there a link to the autopsy story on Drudge's website? He certainly liked to post about the Schiavo Case when it was happeneing...

In Which I Weep For This Country

Take a look at who's been nominated for Greatest American on the Discovery Channel website. We're talking about the All-Time best, as voted by viewers, and apparently, enough people came up with Tom F'ing Cruise to put him on the list. Oh and look, there's Madonna, and Mel Gibson, and hey, it's Tiger Woods and Brett Favre! Hey, who's that Franklin guy? What show was he on? Jimmy Carter? Did he ever set a box office record? Pfft.

Thanks, Discovery Channel viewers, for cheapening the lives and accomplishments of the people on that list that actually deserve the title.

This is a Patriot

Okay, I don't want to have to download the Hello Bloggerbot right, now, but as John Rogers reminds us, it's the 16th Anniversary of the Tiennanmen Square protests, and ever since then, I've compared every self-professed "Patriot" to the man in this photo. Just a guy in the crowd, who didn't like what he was seeing and did the only thing that he could about it. Sean Hannity can suck it, this is what a Patriot looks like.

Yech

Caught the first episode of the Summer's new hit reality show, Hit Me baby One more Time. Honestly, I was looking forward to the nostalgic kick of seeing all those bands from the 80's again. But what could have been a fun trip down memory lane turned out to be an hour long exercise in creepiness. Arrested Development aside, most of the acts have, shall we say, gained a shitload of weight. I swear to God, Mike Reno from Loverboy looked like he was choking on a ham sandwich the whole time he was singing "Working For the Weekend." I guess with all the money he made during the band's heyday, he could finally afford that third chin.

That said, I'm all ready to catch The Knack next week.

This Is Too Much Fun

You can now make your own magneto-ribbon to smugly display on your gas-guzzling vehicle! Even if you don't actually buy one, it's just fun to come up with the slogans:

Like this

and this

and this

Now you try it!

Okay, We Can All Agree That This Is Bad, Right? Right?

I know Newsweek made the whole thing up about anyone doing anything bad to or around detainees in our Glorious War On Terror, because Scott McClellan is an honorable man, and would never try to mislead the American Public like that. So that's why I find this story a bit troubling. Check out this telling paragraph right here:

Several hours passed before an emergency room doctor finally saw Mr. Dilawar. By
then he was dead, his body beginning to stiffen. It would be many months before
Army investigators learned a final horrific detail: Most of the interrogators
had believed Mr. Dilawar was an innocent man who simply drove his taxi past the
American base at the wrong time.

Most of the interrogators. Do you know what that means? That means they knew he probably didn't know anything, and they killed him anyway. I can't wait to hear what the Conservo-blogs have to say about it. I'm sure they'll want to take time out from condemning Newsweek for a poorly sourced story about other cases of prisoner abuse to speak out against this. And by this, I of course mean the fact that someone decided to tell about it, not that it happened. Wank away, Freepers.

Go Buy A Book

More specifically, this book. Larry Kirwan, for those who don't know, is the leader/lead singer of Black 47 (who will be in Boston next month at the spankin' new Paddy O's). I've been a fan of theirs since college (which was, like, a wicked long time ago), and I went on the band's tour of Ireland last November, which was a blast. The back jacket describes the book as a "Rock 'N' Roll 'Angela's Ashes,'" which is understandable, but I think it's also in the tradition of "Confessions of an Irish Rebel" as well. Whatever you want to compare it to, it's a great read, and Larry's is a terrific storyteller. And if you ever meet him, ask him about room 520 (or maybe it was 109?) at the Tower Hotel in Derry.

I'd Like To Solve The Puzzle, Pat

Sajak uses his thinky thing, or at least tries to. What I love about his "columns" is that they are almost entirely anecdotal, with virtually no direct quotes or backup whatsoever. How can you possibly argue with a guy who wont tell you exactly who or what he's talking about? Genius!

Good Lord

A Baptist church in North Carolina has now kicked out it's Democrat members. A church that, I'm sure, enjoys the usual tax-exempt status from the IRS. This world is going bat-shit crazy.

Memo To Rush Limbaugh: You Can Shut Up Now

Al Gore finally gets props for his involvement in the development of the internet.

Tell Me Again How Soccer Is A Sport For Sissies

Say what you want about soccer, but no one's throwing explosives at Tom Brady.

Cal Thomas Is Out Of His Goddamn Mind

Is he seriously suggesting that we take a lesson from a fictional TV show in the pursuit of global terrorists?!?

Oh, and while we're at it, exactly how are things going with all that information we got by torturing people who, it turns out, weren't actually terrorists? We must be really close to wrapping this whole Iraq thing up, huh?

From The "No Publicity Is Bad Publicity" Department:

At least Denny's is consistent.

Lot's Going On, Nothing To Say

Actually, I have a lot to say, but there are so many things going on in the country and the world, and I do have to block out some time for making a living, I get a little overwhelmed about what I want to say regarding things like judicial fillibusters and the new pope. One thing I did come across (via Tom Tomorrow's website), is this peice from the LA Times, about the hijacking of Christianity by the Republican party. The writer makes a lot of good point, but I think some of the responsibility for this situation has to lie with the left as well, for letting the right get away with it.

Lying In The Age Of Video

Remember Alan Dershowitz talking about "Testilying" a few years back? Remember how outraged people got at him, daring to suggest that police officers might not tell the truth on the stand all the time? So how could this have possibly happened? Here's the scary part:

For Mr. Kyne and 400 others arrested that week, video recordings provided evidence that they had not committed a crime or that the charges against them could not be proved, according to defense lawyers and prosecutors.

Oh, and this too:

Seven months after the convention at Madison Square Garden, criminal charges have fallen against all but a handful of people arrested that week. Of the 1,670 cases that have run their full course, 91 percent ended with the charges dismissed or with a verdict of not guilty after trial. Many were dropped without any finding of wrongdoing, but also without any serious inquiry into the circumstances of the arrests, with the Manhattan district attorney's office agreeing that the cases should be "adjourned in contemplation of dismissal."

91%

Un-f%&*ing-believable.

I guess that American Hero status the NYPD has been enjoying the last couple of years is starting to wear off.

We Stand As One

Has anyone NOT seen this? Wow, even by Lee Greenwood/Toby Keith standards, it's a steaming pile of crap. I know a lot of people think it's a parody, but I was in radio for a long time, and we used to get stuff like this every day. This guy's disturbingly on the level.

Just Like Rathergate! Except It's Not

Looks like all those accusations of forgery over the "Schiavo Memo" are just that: Accusations. The author of the memo finally steped forward, and it is, in fact, a Republican staffer after all. All that blathering on right-wing blogs about this being a Democrat dirty trick, all the denials from the Republicans about any GOP involvement whatsoever, and it turns out that Mel Martinez (R-Fla) HANDED the damn thing to Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) on the Senate floor. Beautiful.

Reductio ad Absurdum = Comedy

Appearing on Hannity and Colmes, Minuteman Project organizer James Gilchrist had this to say:

Alan, there are supremacist groups out there of all races, colors and creeds. It's not just white supremacists. Why are you picking on them? There are brown. There are purple. There are red.

It's a veritable Rainbow Coalition of hate out there! By the way, would someone please forward me a list of all Purple Supremacist groups?

Hedberg Tributes

I didn't know Mitch personally, I never worked with him, and only really met him once, so I have no cool stories to tell, unfortunately. On the flipside, Mike Birbiglia and Tim McIntire do, so you should read them, because they're very good. In fact, even if I did have cool stories about him, I'd still recommend you read them first, because they're much better writers than I am. I know a lot of times, when someone relatively unknown to the world at large dies, there is a backlash about people calling them a genius or gifted or whatever. Please believe me when I tell you that Mitch deserves that kind of adulation. He was a very special kind of performer, and a rare one these days. He really was in it just to be funny, and in spite of that, he still managed to get industry attention.

Mitch Hedberg Dead

The story has been going around all morning, and only just confirmed for sure. No official word on the cause, but he has had a heroin problem for a while now. Very sad, he was a great comic. I'm already starting to see people comparing him to the all time greats of comedy. I'm reserving judgement on that, more because he's part of a uniquely talented generation of comics who've become famous over the last few years (Doug Stanhope, Dave Attell, etc.), but he was definitely a cut above.

MitchHedberg.net

More Strange Bedfellows

Jesse throws in with the Schindler's. That popping sound you hear is hundreds of right-wing talk show hosts' heads exploding.

THIS is Conservatism?

Question for real, actual conservative Republicans: Why do you continue to let these idiots have the floor? I know for a fact that they do not speak for real, actual conservatives any more than Michael Moore or Janeanne Garofalo speak for me. Don't get me wrong, I do agree with some of their opinions, just as there are some things that Republicans say that I agree with (and they are never more right than when they tell me I'm a big slab of man-candy, or words to that effect). But you can't tell me that those folks have anywhere near the same kind of influence that Fox News and Rush Limbaugh have on a daily basis.

Lovely

Volunteer "Minuteman" border patrols. Central American gangs who smuggle illegal immigrants, drugs, and guns into the US. What could possibly go wrong?

NOW We Can Put The Issue to Rest

The Ultimate Warrior pipes in on the Schiavo case. Everyone else can shut up now.

(thanks to Fark for the link)

Grrrrrrrrr...

Comedy kareoke is here. I'd just like to be on record as saying that this is an absolutely horrible idea, and whomever came up with it needs to be shot out of a cannon.

The Onion Comes Through Again

A nice little tribute to HST, and the inferior hacks who try to be him, here.

I Give Eric Alterman a Comedy Spanking

Click this, then scroll down to Correspondent's Corner. As vindicated as I fell, though, I still can't help feeling Alterman went down pretty quick.*

Unrelated question: Can someone point out to me where I can put a blogroll on this page without having to write all the code? I really don't have the patience for that these days. Witness my personal website, which has been like this for over a year now.

*If you're wondering where "Grounhog Day" came from, it was directed by Harold Ramis, who was my big gun in that argument, even though he was only on SCTV for the first season.

Oh, And Big Surprise: They're Hypocrites, Too

Read.

Sickening

I'm one of those people that plans to live forever, because, as Bill Cosby once put it, "Somebody has to be first." I hate to even think about what kind of mindframe I'd be in if a loved one were in the state Terry Schiavo is in. Surely you know about it by now, it's absolutely heartbreaking. I can understand the desperate feelings her parents have. What other parent couldn't? No one wants to have to bury their child.

But what Congress and the President are doing right now is absolutely sickening. They are completely turning their backs on the long-time conservative belief in states rights, and passing a law that protects ONE person, and one only. They are dragging out this poor woman's pitiful existence, and for what reason? To prove that they love life more than the courts? How much do you really love life if you're willing to let someone go through it with no means of communicating or sustaining yourself? There are worse things than dying, and turning this family's pain into a political football is just plain disgusting. Shame on the

And shame on Tom Delay for using his position to defame a private citizen. Nice way to deflect attention from your own despicable career, huh, Tommy? You're a cheap thug, and you deserve nothing less than a blanket party on the day Texans finally oust you from your comfy little bully pulpit.

Note to Email Spammers

I know, you guys are all clever, with your subject lines like "Just following up," and "Here's that info you wanted," because more than once, I've thought to myself, "Hey, I must have asked someone for info, and there they are, nice enough to give it to me," or "Wow, a follow-up email, I'm going to get the name of this person's supervisor and write them a nice note." But, if the name of the sender is Zaphod Beeblebrox, I'm not opening it, and you've just wasted some server space, which is sure to make your IT guys mad, because those dudes are on a hair-trigger all the time anyway. If you're going to go phishing, at least have your resident hackers clone the names of some people I know, okay?

Spam better, folks. No kidding, it's not even a challenge any more.

What Have You Done With Jeff Jacoby?

A fairly well argued point about torture here. I'm telling you right now, if more conservative pundits start making sense to me, my head's going to explode.

John Gibson: Douchebag

I don't know where you come down on the Gay Marriage debate. Personally, I'm fine with it. Nobody's forcing the church to recognize them, and in the almost year since Massachusetts made it legal, the earth hasn't opened up and swallowed us whole. I know there are passionate arguments against it, and those folks may have valid arguments and feel very passionate about them. But how can you get behind this kind of wingnuttery? Dig it:

"Gays can't have kids — other than going to the abandoned kids store and getting
one or two, or borrowing sperm from someone with more sperm than brains — so by
definition they're out of the marriage game."

"Abandoned kids store"?!? What the fuh is he talking about? I know, I've heard the "Marriage is for producing kids" argument many times. So why aren't the people lobbying against Gay Marriage also lobbying against hetero couples who don't want kids? Why aren't they advocating a mandatory minimum timeframe for married couples to produce children or have their union dissolved? There are plenty of folks out there who just don't want them, where's the outcry from the anti-gay forces? Where?

And while we're at it, since so many think this will bring an end to the institution of marriage itself, why aren't we seeing constitutional ammedments to ban divorce?

What I Did for My Hallmark Holiday

That's a joke, St. Paddy's is serious biz to some of us. I still, however, have no plans, which is just fine, because I also have no money. Even if I did, though, I don't know that I'd go out drinking, just because that's the thing to do for Irish and Irish-Americans on the high holy day. Maybe if I had tickets to the Dropkick Murphy's show tomorrow night, I'd have a different opinion. If anyone has any suggestions for me, I'm open to ideas...

Academia Ruins Another Good Swearword...

When I saw the page for this book, all I could think of was the first (Read: good) Blues Brothers movie:

Ellwood: "I took the liberty of bullshitting you"

Jake: "You lied to me"

Ellwood: "It wasn't lies. It was just...bullshit."

Nice to know Princeton appreciates the classics, too.

(ps-Thanks to Eric Alterman for the link.)

When Did Pat Buchannan Start Making Sense?

I don't know if it's just a case of politics making strange bedfellows, or I'm being secretly brainwashed by the RGF (Oh, I guess that would be the same thing, come to think of it...). But I can't say that I disagree with a lot of this article. Of course, I'd like to see the next couple of paragraphs, what his ideas are about solving the situation he (and to a large extent, I) believe we're in. But so far, to my own surprise (yeah, I'm aware of my use of qualifiers in this post), I'm with Pat here. Someone get me a copy of the Daily Worker, stat.

More Selective Outrage

So, I see that the President has disinvited Gerry Adams from the official St. Paddy's (NOT St. Patty's, dammit) celebrations at the White House. He IS, however, going to host the family of Robert McCartney, who was murdered by members of the IRA. Presumably, this is being done to send a message to Sinn Fein and the IRA that they are no longer being included in the peace process. Nice work, folks, nothing like telling the IRA to feck off to ensure that bloodshed will only continue. Look, McCartney's murder was a brutal crime, no doubt. And like I said below, the IRA has done some things that no thinking supporter of the Irish Republican (as opposed to...) cause can reasonably support. But when is Mr. Bush planning to host the family of Pat Finucane? Or the victims of Johnny Adair? This is just another one-sided story about the Northern Ireland conflict, with the IRA as the perpetual bad guys, and the loyalist brutalities all but ignored. Oh, and shame on Senator Kennedy for turning his back on the Republican cause too.

Talk About Blaming the Victims...

Okay, that's not entirely true, I realize, but why does everyone insist on telling the story of the Northern Ireland conflict form the IRA=Terrorists POV? Granted, they've been responsible for some pretty nasty things that I cannot say I agree with, but when does anyone ever mention the RUC? The UDA? The UFF? Oh, you've never heard of those organizations? Maybe that's because the British press have been controlling the story for all these years, and those groups just happen to be pro-British paramilitary organizations (or, in the case of the RUC, official government agencies) who've killed as many, if not more people than the IRA. And none of them have ever been ordered to disarm as part of the peace process. Every time, and I mean every single time, that Sinn Fein and/or the IRA have agreed to the demands of the unionists, nutbags like Ian Paisley and David Trimble have backed out and made further demands. Let's not forget, the IRA was dormant, a virtual non-entity by the late 1960's, when the Derry massacre happened (for those who don't know, unarmed, peaceful civil rights protesters were fired upon and attacked by the the British army, in full view of television camera's, who then broadcast the images around the world, sparking renewed interest in the Republican cause and an almost overnight swelling of the IRA's ranks). The crown has bungled the Northern Ireland issue for decades, and no one has held them seriously accountable for it.

Who's really holding up the peace process?

Drudge Scoops Me Again!

Playgirl editor reveals...SHE'S A REPUBLICAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rest of the World yawns.

Developing...

This is Why Girls Wouldn't Talk to Me in High School.

Okay, I'm about to stroke out in total sci-fi geek ecstasy. Dr. Who is back! Warren Ellis contributes his review, full of Warren-like curmudgeonly goodness.

Thanks to John Rogers (who included the phrase "May the Lords of Gallifrey protect you" when he signed my high school yearbook) for the link.

News Flash: High School Kids Are Having Sex

Um, honestly? Just about anyone who went to a parochial school has been involved in things like this. No really, I went to a Catholic school, and this stuff went on quite a bit. Our chapel got more "Non-traditional" use than the administration ever knew about. Unless she was being forced to do this, I don't see it as the huge scandal that everyone's making it out to be.

F@#& the Nanny-State

Ted Stevens needs to be shot out of a cannon. No really, call whomever is arranging HST's ceremony and ask if you can piggyback this onto it. I'm so sick and tired of being told that I have to sacrifice my rights on behalf of the children. I'm an adult, goddamnit, and sometimes I like to hear people talk dirty on tv. And sometimes, I even like to see boobies on tv too. I like kids, I even have one of my own, and believe you me, she doesn't get to watch the boobies with me (not that she'd want to anyway). You know why? Because I am a parent to my child. I know what I don't want my kid getting exposed to, and I actively monitor that. There are certain things that an 11-year old is just not emotionally ready to deal with, and so I try to limit her exposure to them as much as I can. And then, when she goes to bed, I want to watch adult shows (not porn, necessarily, but adult themes, perv), and have adult conversations, and everything else that goes along with being an adult. Plus, one can only be expected to deal with a certain amount of Nickelodeon programming each day (although Fairly Oddparents rules). So pleasepleaseplease, someone toss a blanket over this moron's head and stuff him in a howitzer, then pull the trigger (or whatever the hell makes those things go boom). The adults of the world will thank you for it.

Weekend At Hunter's

So, I guess after he killed himself, Hunter Thompson's family and friends gathered around him and had a few drinks in his honor. Kind of like a wake, I guess, only without the bother of cleaning up the corpse. Much as I admired his life and writing, that's just creepy.

Sean Hannity: Pimp Daddy

I'm just praying my Republican girlfriend never finds this. If she hooks up with Dave from Oregon, I'm done for.

Bad Craziness...

Hunter Thompson, dead by his own hand. There will never be another like him. Which is not to say that so many haven't tried, with annoyingly bad results.

Gannonarama

Tom Tomorrow hit the nail pretty flush here. I can't help wondering if the fact that fake journalist "Jeff Gannon" being a gay prostitute (allegedly) was seen as a bonus to whomever set this whole thing up in the first place. I mean, this is a tailor made way to deflect any criticism over the issue, and gives the right a chance to label the left as hypocrites, something they generally line up to do. Paranoid? Maybe, but I'm also right.

Un-F@#&ing-Believable

Why does the White House hate America?

Shanley Gets Prison

Not the life sentence folks were hoping for, but he's going away for at least seven years (assuming they let him out after he serves two thirds), and ten years of probation after that. All my inner dialogues about the death penalty aside, it's a shame that you can't execute someone for ruining a child's life.

There's Only One Other Thing That Gets Me This Excited...

...and that's none of your damn business. First Spring Training game is just over two weeks away.

No, the other thing has nothing at all to do with hockey, although goalie pads do present a unique kind of challenge.

What Do You Get a Republican For Valentine's Day?

No, seriously, that's not the setup for a joke. I really need to know. It's been a while since I've bought a Valentine's gift for ANY woman, never mind one who believes in the Trickle-down theory. And don't give me the whole "Valentine's Day is a made up holiday blah blah blah..." crap. She's a Republican, they're the ones who made it up in the first place.

Arthur Miller Dies

One of the most important artists in history.

Fun Family Adventure, or Thinly Disguised Child Porn? You Decide

PAX TV has a news series called "Young Blades." Am I crazy, or isn't that a slang term for a teenage male prostitute? And here I thought PAX was the non-denominational, wholesome family values channel.

One of the Many Cool Things About Dating a Republican...

I can laugh silently to myself while she changes the channel on the President in disgust.

I Had To See This, So Now You Have To

*uncontrolable shudder*

More Self-Delusional Insanity on Boston.com

You know, there's really no length some people will not go to to get their picture in the paper. The Boston Globe's web presence is only too happy to oblige. Okay, a couple of these folks might be able to make a case, but the William Shatner guy? Pathetic.

Who Wants In On This?

What is it about toast and religious/political figures? Seriously, who wants to go halvesies here?

This Is Just Too Creepy

Go here. At the risk of being cast among the tinfoil hat crowd: If this is an indication of just how far the Bush Administration is willing to go to make sure only their message gets out, I can't imagine what it's going to be like in four years.

And yes, I did see the part where the Clinton admin did the same thing from time to time. Screw them too.

I've Never Heard of Him, But Apparently He Speaks For Me

Will someone please tell me who the hell Ward Churchill is, and why he's the new spokeman for the Left? I mean, I guess he is, that's what Rush and O'Reilly and Hannity keep telling me. I'm just saying, I'd like my spokespeople to, once in a while, you know, introduce themselves to me.

Because What We Really Need Is Polite Mobsters on TV

They're going to sanitize the Soprano's. Can I make a prediction now? Big ratings up front, lot's of people jumping off the wagon soon thereafter. Seriously, how can you have a nice, clean version of the Soprano's, after the great, nasty, dirty version that's been on HBO all these years? You can't, it's just not right. The folks at A&E, who we know have never gotten over the loss of Law & Order, should be slapped in the face for about six hours straight for even considering this.

Good or Bad, Depending on Your Point of View

Someone told me that to get your Porn Star Name, you have to combine the names of your first pet and the street you grew up on.

My Porn Star Name is Liza Reynolds.

Shut up.

Kung Fu and Monkeys

There's a guy you should be reading in the Blogosphere. Well, if you're interested in comics and gaming and screenwriting and (some) politics. His name is John Rogers. John graduated from high school in my Freshman year, and went up to Canada to college and began doing standup comedy there and here in Boston in the late 80's. From there, he went to writing for television (most notably Cosby and Jackie Chan's Saturday morning cartoon), and is now a successful screenwriter in LA (American Outlaws, The Core, Catwoman, etc). He's very funny, quite informative (especially if you're an aspiring writer), and as soon as I figure out how to have a link tree on the side of my Blog like he does, I'll post a permalink over there for him, because he's a nice guy.

White Liberal Guilt

Is it wrong that the rubber band guy in the Office Max commercials makes me laugh my ass off?

What the Fuh...? (The Continuing Saga))

Some people's lives are so empty, they have to resort to telling you they look like someone on the tee vee. Here's a gallery of a bunch of just such self-delusional folk. I dare you to tell me that any of these idiots actually look like celebrities. The Nathan Lane guy? Looks more like a bouncer at the Glass Slipper.

And the Selma Hyek lady bears a disturbing resemblance to a lunatic who thinks she looks like Selma Hyek.

Silent Alarms Are Going Off All Over the DNC...

So, after 35 years of Democratic politics and liberal activism, after all the cranky little rants (yeah yeah, the title's ironic, geddit?) and ad homenim attacks made on this very 'Blog, after all that, I find myself in a situation that flies in the face of anything I thought would ever happen:

I'm dating a Republican.

Gloat away, fuckers.

Great Moments in Poor Decision Making, Part the XXXXXXXXIVVXXCMMMMMIIIIIVVVVV

Oh goody. After all the talk about we're going to make sure this election's fair and no one's vote doesn't get counted and everyone has access to adequate polling places, etc. etc. etc., we have these lunkheads going out and slashing tires on vans that the GOP was going to use to take people to vote. Nice. Thanks for letting down the side, boys.

Someone Needs to Check John Edwards' Alibi

Look

Um, What?

The newly re-minted Vice President went on Imus yesterday before the innauguration and regarding Iran, said the following:

"We don't want a war in the Middle East, if we can avoid it."

I'm confused, is he not getting his daily briefings or something?

One Good Thing...

...about this innauguration: It's going to be fun looking at pictures of Republicans trying to dance.

I Swear to God I'm Not Drunk

Did anyone else just see a bunch of Redcoats marching in front of the Capitol building?

Sometimes, The Jokes Write Themselves...

Try to guess what's funny about this.



Got it yet?

(thanks to Tom Tomorrow for the link)

Great Moments in Poor Decision Making

Wow.

What could he possibly have been thinking of that made him commit that "slip of the tongue?" Seriously, there had to be something going on in his head or in the office that put the words in his mouth. Things like that don't just slip out, especially in today's broadcasting business. I wonder if Michael Powell will have anything to say about this. Considering it's not Really Famous People on a network, prolly not.

Male Model, Me

So how cool is this? A couple weeks ago, I'm checking out one of the local comedians message boards, when I see a post asking me to get in touch with the fashion editor of the Improper Bostonian magazine. Last year, they did a fashion issue with Boston comics, including several friends of mine. The shots came out great, and one of my friends, Sam Walters, actually used his picture as the front page of his website (he's since changed it, but trust me, they made even HIM look pretty good). So you can guess my excitement at the prospect of getting really cool, professionally produced pics that I can maybe wrangle into a new headshot, and I don't have to pay for it! Sweeeeeeeeeet!

I called Samantha, and she told me that this year, the spread is going to be even better than last time. Hot Damn! I can't wait to hear this. So this time, they're going to pose us all as classic comedians, people like Lucy and the Marx brothers and such, and she thinks I'd make a great Oliver Hardy.

Oliver Hardy.

Of Laurel & Hardy.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

That was my first reaction. You know, because of the whole goofy-looking-fat-guy-in-a-Hitler-mustache thing. I was thinking glamour shot (shut up), and they were thinking wacky shenanigans.

Okay, well, I calmed down and came in off the ledge, and had a great time doing the shoot, which will be featured in the February 9th issue (Free on most any street corner in Boston. Sorry, Indiana!). It was a ton of fun, and I got to wear clothes from designers I've never heard of, which naturally means that I couldn't afford them in my life, so that was a bonus. Plus we got free pizza and beer. Beats working.

So thanks to Samantha House for calling me, and to whomever it was that suggested me for the shoot in the first place. I'm looking forward to people almost recognizing me on the street.

Here's Where I Get Branded a Heretic

So I dial up the Boston Globe website and find this story about a guy who built a shrine 'cause he was told to by Jesus' Mom. Okay look, I was a devout Catholic for many years, and even though, for my own reasons, I've left the Church behind, I do recognize that, as many bad things as they have done, they still provide some people with a sense of well-being and spiritual peace. That's fine, and those people deserve it. Probably. But where do you draw the line between religious freedom and having a chip on your shoulder? Stuff like this strikes me more as a way for people to get attention than show their devotion, no matter who they say came to them in a dream. And while we're on the subject, why would the Virgin Mary tell someone to put up a mural? Why not tell them to work at a food bank, or spend some time with an invalid, or give your old coats to a shelter? It just doesn't jibe with me that any religious icon worth his or her billing would ask someone to put up a big, obnoxious, lighted cross in their back yard. Does Jesus really want your neighbors pissed at you? Most of the world's dieties (and their subordinates) strike me as the type that don't like to get too showy here in the modern age.

This, by the way, is the same reaction I have to people who decide to create their own personal singing Iwo Jima in the driveway, or a 24/7 Winter Wonderland three inches from their neighbor's bedroom window. It's not tribute, it's obnoxious. It's "Look at me, I care more about Jesus/America/Christmas than you!"

So congrats on the victory, sir. I guess. But if you were really that devoteld to the Bible, you would have rendered unto Caesar and applied for the permit.

How I Almost Ended Up Getting PC'd on New Year's

Sit back, my chillen's, and let me tell you 'bout how the NYPD's finest had their hands full with your li'l ol' pal on the eve of 2005...

Okay, well, I'm no Uncle Remus, but sit back anyway, this might take a while. So, as previously stated on this very webpage, I was to be in NYC for the Black 47 show at Connolly's, and ringing in the new with my new pals from my Ireland trip. I was told by certain folks at an employer who shall remain nameless that it wouldn't be a problem for me to scoot early, as the day was sure to be slow. RAWK!

Well, the day WAS slow, but for some reason, my hall pass never materialized. So not only did I not get to leave early, but due to the inane rule of Everyone Stays Until All the Work is Done, I had to hang out and extra 15-20 minutes, even though my work was done hours before. Great, so I'm already in the hole, timewise, before I even leave Boston. But God was on my side, chillen's, because traffic was virtually non-existent, and I managed to beat Mapquest's estimated ETA by about 20 minutes.

Now, my buddies had left the hotel much earlier, because I didn't want anyone to have to wait around for me, so I got to the room at right about 9pm, just missing the 9 o'clock shuttle into the city. Okay, I'll have to wait for the 10, fine, I can freshen up and start drinking (btw, unbeknownst to me, several members of my entourage were pretty pie-eyed by this time, and I counted a sizeable pile of empties in the adjoining rooms we'd rented for the night). So, 10pm comes around, and myself and several other would-be revelers pile into the hotel shuttle for the trip through the Lincoln tunnel onto 41st and Dyer, not all that far from my destination of 45th and 6th. From what I'd been told, as long as I had my e-ticket for the show, I shouldn't have too much trouble finding a sympathetic cop to let me through the police barricades. And it's only about 10:15. Sweet!

Not sweet. Not sweet at fuck-all, because only one cop let me past the barricade, at 46th and 8th, only for me to be turned back at 46th and Broadway (that would be Time Square proper). For the next 13 blocks, I tried as best I could (to the point of almost getting the ol' bracelets slapped on me) to persuade someone to just let me walk FOUR BLOCKS OVER, so I could get to my show. I ended up at 59th and Central Park South, making my way back down the other side, so I could finally get to 6th avenue at 58th street. Awesome, only 13 more blocks to go.

By the time I finally made it to Connolly's (three songs into the show), I was exhausted. My feet hurt, my back was killing me, and I was almost too tired to drink. Fortunately, my friends would not let me use that as an excuse not to, as they began pouring the Guinness down my gullet with gusto. Lemme tell you something: that stuff has magic powers, I swear it's true. The night ended up being great, and even better, I didn't have to stand on a stage and try to talk over drunks with noisemakers for so-so money (which is what usually happens to me on NYE). So I've decided, I'm officially retired from performing comedy on New Year's. Unless someone wants to offer me huge bucks, I'm just going to spend it like normal people do: getting drunk and enjoying myself. No pressure, no having to wait for the event organizer to take his hand out of his secretary's blouse long enough to pay me, no more bullshit. I resolve to enjoy myself or go down swinging for every 12/31 henceforth. Ya heard me!

Paul Krugman Answers Your Social Security Questions...

And does it in a way that makes you say: "So THAT'S why I should care about this."

No kidding, I really haven't been able to keep up with all the "SS Crisis" stuff in the media, and now I know why: I wasn't supposed to. You know, it's discouraging enough when the media goes to sleep on the issues, but when members of the media actively try to discourage public participation in those issues? They might as well start selling the Victory Gin right now.