A big problem I run into is that, far from having nothing to say, I'm actually brimming with ideas in my mind, but for whatever reason I just can't seem to get them out consistently. Probably a byproduct of my condition, but even when I was treating it regularly, I'd fall into a rut very easily. Maybe it's feelings of worthlessness caused by depression, maybe not. One thing I always have a hard time with is deciding in my head whether something's worth writing down. I need to keep telling myself that it's all worth writing down (that is, after all, what a personal journal is for, right?). It's whether the product is ready for public consumption that's the key, I think.
I've been assured by more than one person that I have at least a modicum of talent for writing, so why don't I believe it? Is it just too hard to see myself as any good? I recognize the signs of self-doubt when they come on, but overcoming them is another thing entirely. And I know I'm not exactly unique in that respect. Truth to tell, these doubts don't just apply to writing. In fact, I have just as much trouble getting what I want to say out of my head verbally. And it has cost me.
Why? Why am I so passive? When things start going south, I start retreating into myself. I hate that. I hate knowing that I should be saying something and having nothing come out. I hope this new regimen of mine can help with that. I'm sick of feeling hopeless and inept. Sick of letting what I want slip away because it's too painful to stand and fight sometimes. Doesn't what I want matter? So what's stopping me from trying?
Only me. Get out of my way, me.
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