Solitude and Fear

Today is President's Day.  I'm off, spending the day cleaning house, doing dishes and laundry, and futzing around with the cat.  Truly a patriotic undertaking.

I've had quite a bit of time on my own this weekend.  Time to relax, read, write, watch TV, and think.  Solitude can be a good thing.  It can also be nerve-wracking and anxious.  I tended to waft between both this weekend.  It was good to tune out the world for a bit and contemplate things.  But at the same time, the thoughts that can go through my head when I'm left on my own can be dangerous and lead to feelings of worry and doubt.

I have abandonment issues.  At least I think I do.  At the very least, I have issues revolving around being left behind or left out.  Could be part of my illness, could also have something to do with the fact that I was the youngest kid, by a few years, growing up in my neighborhood.  Nobody wanted to be stuck with the baby, so I was often left out of things like go-cart races, tree forts, and other games.  As I grew up, it seemed like even kids my own age would leave me out of their cliques.  I'm hardly alone in that, I know.  And it's not like I didn't have friends.  But I spent a lot of time on my own, in my room, listening to music or reading comics.

As a result, I'm hyper-sensitive when it comes to feeling like things are being kept from me.  Does that make me paranoid?  I don't know.  But it can make me afraid to be alone sometimes, because I often wonder what's going on without me.  Is everyone out having a great time, even though (or maybe because) I'm not there?  Are they happy to not have me around?  What are they saying about me?  Or worse, is my absence not even noticed?  Those thoughts get swirling around, and then hours can pass like years when I'm on my own.  I get anxious, lonely, and afraid.

This weekend, not so much.  I mean, there was some of that, but not nearly as pronounced as it used to be.  Mostly, I was tired.  Unfortunately, the melatonin failed me again last night, and I woke up at 12:45, and the again at 4:00, and then off and on until about 8:00.  Alas.  Maybe it needs time to build up in your system.  I'll keep trying.

I forgot to mention yesterday that, at the Gobshites/Black 47 show this weekend, we'll be selling one of our two new CDs, "Poitin".  Those of you who pre-ordered "Songs Me Da' Got Pissed To" will automatically get this as well, for free.  For the rest of you, bring some extra cash.  It's really good, if I do say so.