Sunday, October 31, 2004

Why Horseshoe Pitchers Hate Me

So, a couple of weeks ago (in fact it was the night of game 3 of the ALCS, hereafter to be known as the hiccup in the Red Sox postseason), I drove down to Uncasville Connecticut to do a private show for a group called the National Horseshoe Pitchers Association. No shit, there really is a club for everything you might like to do. Anyway, I was booked for the show by a guy who books a lot of fundraisers for civic organizations and whatnot, and he tends to pay well and on time, and the shows are always pretty good, and so I figured this would all be fine too. I was also recovering from a cold that my roommate passed on to me, because apparently, the British don't believe in covering your mouth when you sneeze and cough. So my head was a little light, and my voice didn't have the smooth, deep, rich quality that made me one of the most popular weekend dj's on stations nobody ever listens to for many years. But I'm a professional, so I know I can hack it (no pun intended).
Now bear in mind, I had done a show for this same booking agent the previous night, which was a benefit for his church, and it went just fine. In fact, it was great, and the agent in question was there and saw the whole show. He wasn't, however at the Horseshoe show, but as I said, I'm a professional, and all the signs pointed to another fine night of comedy. The crowd seemed nice, a good mix of younger and older folks, everyone was very friendly, and the guy running the show, who was also a member of the organization, seemed pretty cool. Unfortunately, when the booker isn't at a show like this, you're kind of at the mercy of the folks from the organization and when they want to start. You can make all the suggestions you want, based on how you know it should go, and what it will take to get everyone to settle and pay attention, but invariably, you will be introduced just as the servers are bussing the tables, and the noise of plates and silverware being dumped into the service cart placed strategically right in front of you tends to distract folks. And that's what happened on this night too.
Anyway, the show went okay. Not my best show to date, but there were some definite laughs from the crowd, and afterwards, people came up and told me they'd enjoyed it, and I said thanks and got in my car and went home. Okay, I thought, I've done better, but I've done worse, and assumed it had to do with the awkward start of the show. The following Monday, I get an email from the booker telling me that the Horseshoe folks were very upset with me, and that the agent took what he called a "Big Hit" for the show. Whether that means he lost out on the possibility of any future bookings for their events, or someone actually struck him, he didn't specify, but he mentioned things like "I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't think you could handle it." To me, that's like telling me he didn't know I sucked. Now bear in mind, he'd seen me just the previous night, where I got applause breaks for the very same material, and now he was questioning my abilities as a comic. I don't think I have to tell you, but them's fightin' words. So I made a point to remind him of the great job he'd told me I'd done on the previous show, and that all I did was add in some of the more racy language that I'd deleted for the church folks (Usually, these types of shows want you a little cleaner than your club act. I try to go a little dirtier than the booker asks, because bookers tend to be nervous nellies. It usually works pretty well). Were they upset because I'd said "fuck" once or twice? Not even close.
Turns out, I didn't say it nearly enough for their liking. The comic who'd done the show the previous year was a woman I've worked with many times, who tends to be quite dirty and gets on the crowd a bit. I did know this going in, but the guy who was running the show said, and this is a near exact quote, "She was great, but you don't want the same thing every time." Well I guess they most certainly did want the same thing they got last year, and were furious with me because they didn't get it.
Honestly, I'm really baffled by this. I have never, NEVER had someone complain that I was too clean. In fact, I've never even heard of anyone getting in trouble for something like that. Too dirty? Sure, that happens to everyone. You try to judge how far you can take the crowd, and sometimes you overshoot it a bit. No biggie. But too clean? Jesus H Christ on a skateboard, that's NEVER HAPPENED IN COMEDY HISTORY. I have to say, the whole things thrown me for quite a loop, because having grown up in a Boston Irish Catholic family, I can almost guaran-goddamn-tee you I know swear words some of you have never heard in your life, and that's from my mother's side. I can work some variation of the work fuck into just about any situation, and I quite often do in normal conversation. I even asked some of my peers for their input, and none of them had ever heard of anything like it.
Ah well, I guess it's just another interesting story I can tell young comics someday when I turn old and bitter (shut up, McIntire). And the following week I did a show in Manchester and said fuck the normal amount of times and everyone seemed to be satisfied with it, so I guess I shouldn't let this one experience throw me too hard. But if I ever get booked for a show involving the National Horseshoe Pitchers Association again (unlikely), I'll definitely remember to crank it up, the fuckers.

Friday, October 29, 2004

This Just In: Artie from the Howard Stern Show Can Kiss My Ass

Here's some more required reading. I was going to write something about how it's not us in Red Sox Nation that complained about the curse, it's everyone else that keeps bringing it up, but Bill Simmons puts it better than I was going to. Enjoy.

I Know We Wont Have a Draft, Because Bush Said So

Unfortunately for me, his administrations actions prove he's a liar.
So just remember kids, there absolutely WERE WMD's in Iraq, Saddam absolutely WAS involved in 9/11, which by the way. could not have been prevented, even if there were any warnings, which we all know there weren't, and most importantly, our economy's doing great.
*Paid for by Americans Who Love Having People Lie to Their Face.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Now What Do We Do?

There's an election in five days, quite possibly the most important election of my lifetime. The outcome could determine whether this country regains its status as a genuine world power, honors its commitment to freedom at home and abroad, and provides genuine opportunities for people to live healthy, financially secure lives, or send George Bush back to Washington to continue dismantling the Constitution and just generally screw things up royally. Right now, today, at this very moment, I couldn't care less about that, because I just watched something happen that hasn't happened since 1918. I have been a lifelong Red Sox fan, as has my dad, as was my grandfather. I watched Carlton Fisk will the ball to stay fair and win game 6 in extra innings, only to lose game 7 in yet another heartbreaker in 1976. I watched Bucky Dent hit his home run in 1978. I watched bob Stanley throw a wild pitch, and then watched the ball roll through Bill Buckner's legs in 1986. I was watching last year when Aaron Goddamn Boone launched the Sox into their winter homes in game 7. To those who think to themselves "It's just a baseball game, who cares," yeah, okay, I know it's not life and death, but it is a symbol for people who keep hanging on, year after year, never losing faith that someday, they will find a way to overcome the failures of the past and come out on top. I've yelled, and screamed, and vowed never again to be taken in, but I always came back, because they were always good enough to make me want to keep watching and believing. This time, after 35 years, my patience was rewarded. None of the past failures and heartbreaks means anything now, except as a monument to perserverance. Right now, I'm just too damn happy to care about the election.
And by the way, to those Yankees fans who are already minimizing this championship and saying "Call us when you win 20 more," you guys should learn to stop living in the past, like we just did.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

What Do You Call 25 Guys Sitting Around Watching the World Series?

The New York Yankees (yeah I know, that joke's been making the rounds, but I just had to).
You know, I'm hearing the little voice in my head that says "Don't count your chickens...," but f*&k him. I've been waiting 35 years for this. I was there for '75, '78, '86, '99, and '03. My dad's been waiting 62 years. Tack on '46, '49, '67, etc. for him. All these omens people are passing around, like the last time they made the Series was 18 years ago in '86, and it's been 86 years since they last won it in 1918, that's all crap. The fact is, the Sox are playing like they want it and the Cardinals, well they just aren't. I am NOT expecting this to be a sweep, but so far they don't seem to be putting up much of a fight. Tonight's game should be fun, no mater the result.
And by the way. It's nice to see that fans of one team can welcom fans of another team into their city and treat them well, without it turning into a gang fight. Kudos to the St. Louis fans for being classy, REAL baseball fans. And don't think I don't know that there are plenty of folks in Boston that could take a cue from them.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Thank God I Have a Day Off Tomorrow

Wow, quite the weekend I had. Not only did the Red Sox win the first two games of the World Series, and the Patriots won their 21st straight game (not including pre-season), but Manchester United ended Arsenal's 49 game unbeaten streak on Sunday too.
And I'd like to thank the folks at Davignon in Manchester, New Hampshire for, at the very least, paying attention to a comedy show while Game 1 shone on the tv's in the back. Actually, it was a great crowd and a hell of a show, and not just because nobody complained that I wasn't dirty enough (I'll tell that story later).


So, we were so busy looking for WMD's that didn't exist, that we just left a huge cache of conventional weapons alone, and now those weapons are being used to kill our soldiers? Wow, that's pretty bad, but hey, at least we're safer now at home, right? And we have plenty of money for those first responders, because, you know, those guys were the heroes of 9/11, so we should take care of them, because we'll need them the next time something like this happens, not that it's going to because we're all so safe here at home, right?
Yes, great job, Mr. President. Well done. No wonder you told a reporter that we couldn't win the war on terror, you incompetent punk.

Friday, October 22, 2004


That's the only word that reasonably describes the idiots and assholes whose behavior led to the death of a 21 year old girl who merely wanted to celebrate the Sox win the other night. Yeah, I do think the police bear some responsibility, however I don't think anyone will ever really know exactly how the whole thing went down. But the fact remains that if people weren't lighting cars on fire and smashing and destroying private property, no one would have felt the need to open fire (hopefully). I'm no big fan of Marshall Law, but I can almost see Mayor Menino's point about shutting things down during the World Series. And now we have no reason to complain about the crappy behavior on the part of Yankees fans in game 6.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Another Media Personality Speaks Out About Bush

Pat Robertson tells a more than a little disturbing tale about the President. Of course, you'd expect as much from a member of the Blame America First crowd.

Come Home Johnny Damon, All Is Forgiven

OH...MY...GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Three games down, and they come back and win four in a row, including two games in Yankee Motherf*cking Stadium! To hell with doe-eyed and goofy, this team is the shit! Yeah I know, some folks out there really couldn't care less. But you have to understand, over the past 86 years, things have happened with this team nearly every time they've gotten even this close, and we haven't even started the World Series yet. I didn't get very much sleep last night, yet somehow I feel just fine right now.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Please Please Please, One More Week of Red Sox Baseball...

Just one more week, five more wins, and I promise none of us in New England will ever ask for anything again. I hate to get all doe-eyed and goofy about this, but I really think this could be the year. And last night, they did it in plenty of time to let us all get some decent sleep.
Oh, and I promise never to second guess Terry Francona again.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Another Thing No One's Going to Notice...

...unless the mainstream media get off their asses and start reporting it. Here's what I'm talking about. I guess only koo-koo crazy conspiracy nuts like me think that folks in the government would ever stoop so low as to abuse their power. Because, you know, it's not like it's ever happened before. Anyone know how much it costs to have your fingerprints burned off?

Wear A T-shirt, Go To Jail

Every time I see a story like this, I remember that speech Bush gave before the Australian Parliament, where he responded to a heckler by saying "I love free speech (with the trademark smirk in full effect)." As you can plainly see, he, or at least his campaign, clearly doesn't.


As always, the kids over at tackle the tough issues. In this edition: Bill O'Reilly.

Friday, October 15, 2004


Yeah, I think Al Franken chose exactly the right word when discussing the Bill O'Reilly sex harassment case. Of course, if the story's not true, then we're all screwed, because he'll live off the indignation forever. But check out the Franken tirade he goes on. I wonder if he's got a portrait of Lincoln he talks to at night.

Sauce for the Goose

I have to admit, I tend to agree with the folks that are upset about this story. I mean, I'm not exactly angry about it, but it certainly is inappropriate to show a movie like "Fahrenheit 9/11" a couple days before the election in a polling place. If it were any other weekend, I don't think it would be such a big deal, but the librarian kinda screwed the pooch on this one.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Not That I'm Trying to Help the Bush Campaign, But...

...someone really needs to tell the top guy on the Republican ticket that we live in an age of videotape.
Honestly, I didn't even watch a little bit of the debate last night. I was far too busy screaming at the batting order of the Boston Red Sox. The two best pitchers they have, and even if one of the has an off-night, you'd think that the mind-numbingly talented offense they have could help them get through, right? Sure they can.
And let's not forget that Fox's news coverage isn't the only thing that sucks. Question for the Fox Sports sales department: Could you possibly run a few more commercials? Because I could swear I actually saw a couple of first pitches last night. You guys are slipping.


Less than a month out, let's see how the spiffy new computerized voting system is working down in the Sunshine State!
Glitch? What Glitch?
Maybe we should just skip Florida altogether this year.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


If this is true, it's huge. Although again, I don't expect to see a lot of coverage of it in the SCLM.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Sherlock Holmes Can Kiss My Ass

Shecky! Magazine was kind enough to acknowlege that I have the deductive powers of a God. Now if only they'd invited me to the Shecky! showcase at the Village Lantern this week...*sigh*

It's Amazing What You Can Find on

I smell executive potential.

Whoo! What a Finish

Man, I can't say I'm exactly happy with the result, but boy, what a hard fought campaign! So the President gets another four years to fix everything he screwed up in the previous four, God Bless him! Again, I wish it would have come out differently, but hey, that's Democracy for you. Best of luck to the 2nd Bush/Cheney administration! I'm off to smoke some Victory cigarettes, down a little Victory gin, and celebrate our glorious win over Eurasia.

It's No 'Diary of a Madman,' But...Well Maybe It Is

Bush's notes from the debate. I have personally verified their authenticity, having shown them to a homeless guy on Boston Common who, after coughing for 25 minutes straight, mumbled something I heard as "Grafppppplan AAAAAAAAAAArgggghhhh Flooooooooooordubh." In your face, CBS!

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Tell Me Again How the Left Has No Sense of Humor?

So now the GOP wants Michael Moore arrested for trying to get college students to vote. Yeah, that's right, they want him prosecuted for vote fraud. I guess these guys haven't visited a dorm in a while.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004


Check this out. How shitty is your covert transmitter that you can be picked up by Secandary Audio Programming? You'd think these guys could afford better gear, you know?

Cheney Channels O'Reilly

One word, Mr. Vice President: Duh.

But I'm Sure He Cashed the Check

Ralphie May is now biting the hand that fed him (and no, that's not a fat joke). Now, I don't know Ralphie personally, and I do think he can be funny, but we do have mutual friends in the biz, and they tell me he's a great guy. Maybe that's true, but his public persona is that of a whiny, arrogant spoiled brat. Is he not the only person in the country who realizes that he lost the first season because of his attitude? And if he's so groundbreaking and envelope-pushing, why does he feel the need to tell people that ALL THE DAMN TIME? Anytime I see a comic talking about what a daring, fearless, politically incorrect voice they are, I immediately assume they're not. Let your act do the talking, and if you're act consists of making fun of Chinese drivers and black kids who buy clothes too big for them, you're not ground breaking, you're a dick.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Plugity Plug Plug Plug

This Thursday, I'll be at the Starline Room in Stoughton, Mass. with Dan Hirshon and DJ Hazard. Check out DJ's website. The man is a legend, and his stories are brilliant. I guess the Starline hasn't seen fit to promote the show on their site yet, but you can read all about their singing waitstaff.

Another Hack Comic Premise Comes True

I guess you can subtitle this article: "The lighter side of spreading paranoia and fear across the globe." Of course, one wonders why someone would dump their vibrator in the trash at an airport. Was it a disposable? Sounds to me like it still had some life in it, so to speak. But my favorite part is when the store manager realizes "Hey, I knew that noise sounded familiar!" I guess she'd never heard one stuck in a tube quite that large before.

Tell Us Again How Much Safer We Are, Mr. President

Or better yet, tell the Unruh family. Senator Edwards is right. After all this, if you're still planning on voting for Bush next month, you're out of your goddamn mind.

Ten Bucks Says It Was a Dixie Chicks Fan

Someone in Texas took a shot at Toby Keith's van. They hit the wrong guy, unfortunately. But hey, their heart's in the right place. I just hope Natalie Maines has an alibi.

...And Then He Should Kill a GOP Pollster With His Bare Hands

Edwards vs. Cheney tonight. Thank God the Red Sox have an early game so I can sit glued to what is sure to be a slugfest (he said, forgetting that the sarcasm setting was set to "On"). Although, if this happens, I'll buy a round for everyone at the Banshee.
(link via Atrios)

You Too Can Be A Member of the Illuminati

Ever click on the links from Drudge's pop-up ads? I just did, and look what I got. A "secret currency?" Wouldn't it be wierd if it turned out to be, like, Lima Beans or something?

Monday, October 04, 2004

Friday, October 01, 2004

Debate 'N' Stuff

Lot's of opinions out there on who won and who looked more Presidential. I'm going with Kerry, so basically, this debate did nothing to change my opinion. Although the Smirk was in full effect.
Tonight I'll be at Avalon watching Flogging Molly and consuming more than my fair share of Guinness. Tomorrow I'm at the Red Lion Inn again in Cohassett, Mass. I have no idea who I'm performing with, but I'm sure it will be great.