Thursday, May 26, 2011

Leap Forward!

"You deserve good things too.  You know that, right?" - said to me recently by someone very dear to me

Sometimes, I don't know that I do.  As much as I don't want this space to be a litany of my problems, sometimes it feels like that's all I've got.  Well, it's not really all I have.  I have my wonderful daughter, my friends and family, my band, my cat, and a roof over my head (for the time being).  I have a job.  I need a second one, but having the first one is important too.  There are a LOT of good things in my life.

And yet, there are times when I let myself wallow in my problems.  I really don't like that I do that.  It's probably the thing I dislike most about myself.  To be fair, some of my problems are substantial.  But sometimes the inertia that comes from being stopped in my tracks by bad news gets in the way of dusting off and figuring out what to do about it.  Even in the best of circumstances.  The tendency to get down on myself and beat myself up blinds me to the good things I have and my ability to better myself.

To be sure, I am going through some real difficulties right now.  Some mental, some emotional, and some financial.  But right here and now, I'm resolving to become a solver, rather than a wallower.  It's not going to be easy, and I may fall back into old bad habits.  But mindfulness of who I am and what I have (and what I deserve) will be my constant goal.

Oh, and winning Powerball...

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Stuff (and one or two Things)...

No, I didn't run out of ideas.  I ran out of Internet.  I'm living like the pioneers right now.  Sort of.

Still looking for something part time, and things are...shall we say...tight.  At this point, I've sold most of my old vinyl off, and I'm still trying to find someone who wants to buy the comics and such.  Finally got the May rent paid off, at the expense of my cable and Internet.  Oh well, I still have DVDs, and there are plenty of bars around to catch the Bruins games for now.

On a positive note, I finally broke the 180 plateau.  179 as of the other day.  Still struggling to get into a regular workout routine, but at least I'm trying, like I promised myself I would.

Almost two weeks now with the Prozac/Wellbutrin cocktail.  Seems to be doing okay so far.  I finally managed to find a CBT provider.  I meet with him next week.

Gobshites are back up at the Blackthorne in the Catskills for Memorial Day weekend.  We love this place, and they seem to love us right back.  I only hope they don't put us up in the place down the road again.  Joining us, as always, are Black 47, Derek Warfield, and Bible Code Sundays are coming back to the states to play here too.

That's all the news that's fit to print.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Lucky Strikin'

I think I was about 13, the first time I started smoking.  Me and my friend Brian would steal cigarettes from our folks and go out into the woods and smoke them.  After a while we got up the courage to go down to the liquor store around the corner to buy them ourselves (you weren't required to be 18 in those days).  I would always tell the guy they were for my mom.  I'm sure he knew I was lying, but he didn't seem to care.  I smoked all through high school and most of college, and then I just quit one day.  Cold turkey.  Seemed easy enough.  I had also stopped drinking after a couple of close calls, so I think that made it a little easier, as they seem to go hand in hand for me a lot.

I'm not sure when I started again, I think I was working in radio at the time.  It's not the kind of milestone in your life that you want to commemorate, you know?  But at some point, something made me start again.  So I was back off the wagon for a few more years.  It bothered me that I was smoking again, especially with a young child.  What kind of example was I setting for her?  I never smoked in front of her, but that only made me more uncomfortable about going back to cigarettes.  And for someone who suffers from depression, continuing to do something you're ashamed of doesn't exactly make things easier.

So I continued off and on like that for some years.  It almost always had something to do with where I was and who I was with.  If I was out at a bar (oh yeah, I'd decided it was safe for me to drink again on occasion) with folks who smoked, I'd smoke too.  Even if I'd quit, being around smokers made me want to smoke too.  Sometimes I resisted, sometimes I gave in.  I never enjoyed giving in.

Almost always, after a night like that, I'd have to go out and buy a pack for myself, and then the cycle started all over again.  It was an off-and-on romance with tobacco for a number of years.  I finally quit for a long time somewhere around 2005.  I had just moved in with a woman who didn't smoke, and had a young child of her own, so I felt an obligation to give it up.  I cheated once in a while, but for the most part, I kept to my pledge.  Even after we split up.

Then, right before I joined the Gobshites, I started again.  The old routine of being in bars and drinking caught up with me yet again.  That was about two and a half years ago, and I still haven't kicked it.  I tried quitting earlier this year, but it didn't take.  So now, my doctor has recommended Wellbutrin.  It's kind of funny, coming full circle like that, since the very first thing my psychiatrist prescribed for me was Wellbutrin.  But that was for depression and ADHD issues.  I'm already taking Prozac and Ativan, but maybe in addition to the smoking, it can help me smooth out the rest of my issues.  I hope so. The Prozac is working well, and the Ativan is keeping me on an even keel for the most part, but there's still a little haze in there that I'm hoping this new factor will help get me over the final hurdle to mental well being.  I still see my therapists, and I'm working on finding someone for the CBT, but hopefully this will bring me a sense of peace I haven't felt in a long time.

On other fronts, I've sold most of my vinyl that's worth selling.  I still have the comics, so if anyone is interested, or knows someone who is, let me know.  And still looking for a second job.  Maybe I'll strike gold this weekend...

Excelsior and Aloha!!!

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

What Can This Clown Do for You?

So in my attempt to live on my own, I'm running into a lot of brick walls in trying to drum up extra income.  Therefore, I'm appealing to the Intertubes Community at Large:  I need a second job.  I'm not down to selling my own blood or signing up for experimental drug studies just yet, but the fact that I just mentioned both tells you that they're not all that far back in my mind.  Does anyone know someone looking for part-time help?  All I'm really looking for is about 15-20 hours a week.  A couple nights and maybe some Sunday hours.  I can do a lot of stuff.  I'm pretty bright and pick things up fairly easily, and I have retail, writing, broadcasting, loading dock, and short-order cooking experience too.  I'd even be willing to be a bar back.  If any of my creative endeavors paid even a little bit, this probably wouldn't be a problem, but they don't, so it is.  If you know of anyone looking for some help, or if you are in fact someone looking for a part timer, I work days in North Quincy and live in North Attleboro, so anywhere in between there would be most desirable.

Alternatively, I have a fairly large collection of old comics for sale.  Mostly 70's-2000's, but I have a few older items from the 60's as well.  Most are in excellent condition or better.  I tend to lean heavily Marvel, but I've got some DC, Image, and a lot of indie press stuff too.  Most, but not all, are bagged and boarded.  I also have a ton of old Wizard magazine issues, and a few boxes of graphic novels.  If you're looking to buy a collection, or even just a few things, get in touch with me.

I've also got some old vinyl to sell.  Mostly punk and hardcore stuff from the 70's-90's.  A lot of it is probably going to go to Newbury Comics this weekend, but I figured I'd put it out there.

Any help is appreciated.  Excelsior!

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Woe Ain't Me

So I was browsing through some of my old posts this morning for no particular reason, and it struck me that I used write about fun things a lot more.  I think I'm starting to let these issues I'm dealing with take over, at least in my writing.  I don't want to do that.  At all.  Because it's not like I haven't found any enjoyment lately.  There have been plenty of good times mixed in with the sadness.  I've still got my friends, family, my wonderful daughter, new friends.  I've gotten support from unlikely sources.  I'm in two bands.  I've got a funny and entertaining cat.  And my beloved Boston Bruins are tearing through the post-season bunch of hockey players in a china shop.

I have gifts, and I have blessings.  I have sorrow, but I have much to take solace in.  I have a network of folks who only want to help me get better and get a handle on my mental health issues (Well, it's not the only thing they want to do, but it's the only thing they want for me, anyway.  They have lives too.).  I wrote before about the possibility of getting back on a standup stage somewhere.  I think that may still be a little ways off.  After all, comedy is pain plus time, and I'm still in the time, so things are a little too raw to try and make jokes.  At least in public.

My search for extra income is proving a little more difficult than I first thought it would be, but I'm still working on it, and working with my landlord to make sure we're both happy with me staying there.  Money is very, very, very (very) tight right now, but I'm dealing with it.  At least I haven't turned to knocking over lemonade stands yet.

And speaking of fun things, the Gobshites are in Worcester this Friday at the Grey Hound Pub in Kelley Square.  We haven't played there in a long time, but it's a great bar, and there will be a decent crowd out to see us, or so I'm told.  Come be one of them!