I think I was about 13, the first time I started smoking. Me and my friend Brian would steal cigarettes from our folks and go out into the woods and smoke them. After a while we got up the courage to go down to the liquor store around the corner to buy them ourselves (you weren't required to be 18 in those days). I would always tell the guy they were for my mom. I'm sure he knew I was lying, but he didn't seem to care. I smoked all through high school and most of college, and then I just quit one day. Cold turkey. Seemed easy enough. I had also stopped drinking after a couple of close calls, so I think that made it a little easier, as they seem to go hand in hand for me a lot.
I'm not sure when I started again, I think I was working in radio at the time. It's not the kind of milestone in your life that you want to commemorate, you know? But at some point, something made me start again. So I was back off the wagon for a few more years. It bothered me that I was smoking again, especially with a young child. What kind of example was I setting for her? I never smoked in front of her, but that only made me more uncomfortable about going back to cigarettes. And for someone who suffers from depression, continuing to do something you're ashamed of doesn't exactly make things easier.
So I continued off and on like that for some years. It almost always had something to do with where I was and who I was with. If I was out at a bar (oh yeah, I'd decided it was safe for me to drink again on occasion) with folks who smoked, I'd smoke too. Even if I'd quit, being around smokers made me want to smoke too. Sometimes I resisted, sometimes I gave in. I never enjoyed giving in.
Almost always, after a night like that, I'd have to go out and buy a pack for myself, and then the cycle started all over again. It was an off-and-on romance with tobacco for a number of years. I finally quit for a long time somewhere around 2005. I had just moved in with a woman who didn't smoke, and had a young child of her own, so I felt an obligation to give it up. I cheated once in a while, but for the most part, I kept to my pledge. Even after we split up.
Then, right before I joined the Gobshites, I started again. The old routine of being in bars and drinking caught up with me yet again. That was about two and a half years ago, and I still haven't kicked it. I tried quitting earlier this year, but it didn't take. So now, my doctor has recommended Wellbutrin. It's kind of funny, coming full circle like that, since the very first thing my psychiatrist prescribed for me was Wellbutrin. But that was for depression and ADHD issues. I'm already taking Prozac and Ativan, but maybe in addition to the smoking, it can help me smooth out the rest of my issues. I hope so. The Prozac is working well, and the Ativan is keeping me on an even keel for the most part, but there's still a little haze in there that I'm hoping this new factor will help get me over the final hurdle to mental well being. I still see my therapists, and I'm working on finding someone for the CBT, but hopefully this will bring me a sense of peace I haven't felt in a long time.
On other fronts, I've sold most of my vinyl that's worth selling. I still have the comics, so if anyone is interested, or knows someone who is, let me know. And still looking for a second job. Maybe I'll strike gold this weekend...
Excelsior and Aloha!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment