I don't really know whether or not I'm a good friend. That's not a request for reassurance, I'm just showing you how my mind goes through its' process of self-doubt and angst, and comes to a conclusion. I sometimes worry about it, but I've always had trouble understanding how others see me. Is that poor self-image, or simply the absence of one? The conclusion is, I still don't know. I'm not saying I don't try, or that I couldn't care less. I'm saying that it's really not up to me to decide. If you consider me a friend, it's really up to you to decide whether I perform the duties and responsibilities of a friend to your satisfaction. Because, as I've learned over the years (and even more so recently), everyone has a different idea of what that means.
I've become sort of a reference point lately for people who have, or think they might have, a drinking problem. Obviously, this is a byproduct of my talking about my own illness here. More than one person has called, texted, emailed, or in some other way gotten in touch with me to tell me they think they might have crossed the line from social drinker to alcoholic. Now, I'm in no way an expert on this. I'm still learning about and dealing with my own situation. One thing I usually tell people is, if you think you have a problem, you're probably right. Does that mean you need to stop? I have no idea, because I'm not you. I can only tell you that it wouldn't kill you to go to a meeting, and it's not like they're going to make you stand up and confess all of your sins in front of the whole community. You can go, sit in the back, and then leave. Easy peasy. You can even head straight to a bar or liquor store afterward.
Thing is, I don't know if what I tell people is taken seriously, or goes in one ear and out the other. In other words, did they want me to give them something more? All I can do is tell you what I know, which isn't much. I'm not here to tell you you should follow my lead, or that you should use me as an example (you most certainly should NOT do that). If you want help, I'll do whatever I can. If you don't, I can't, nor would I presume to try, to make you want it. That's pretty much how it is. Does that seem callous? I really don't mean it to be. I'm fiercely loyal to people I consider my friends, even sometimes people who don't deserve it. Co-dependency has awful side effects sometimes.
At any rate, like I said, I don't know if I'm a good friend or not. Only the people who interact with me know that. I'm more or less happy with who I am, and hopefully I transfer or share some of that with those around me.
On other fronts, I've learned even more songs on the mandolin, I have the intro to Dirty Old Town pretty much down pat, and I finally got a second AC unit, so I can start enjoying more than just one room in my apartment again. Gobshites have a couple of shows this weekend. On Saturday, we're at Mick Morgan's on Route 1 South in Sharon (I believe we're playing the outside deck), and on Sunday, we're opening for Diego's Umbrella at TT the Bear's Place in Cambridge. You WILL see me bust out the harmonica on at least one of these nights.
UPDATE: I think this post came off a bit harsh. Certainly harsher than I intended it to be. So to make up for it, here's this. Sort of a goofy sorbet to cleanse the palate...
http://vimeo.com/26570444
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