Had to watch the "Code Monkey" video a few times today before I started writing. I've been singing it all weekend. I think this song may be the ultimate earworm. Incidentally, Jonathan Coulter is touring with They Might Be Giants this fall, and that's a bill worth seeing. Check out their events page for shows in your area. Also, I lost my D harmonica last week at some point. I was hoping it was in my car or somewhere in my apartment, but no such luck. I've only had it for a couple of weeks, and now there's an empty space in my harmonica bag, and in my life...alas.
So anyway, today is day 43. Nothing much more to be said about that, really. I'm going to meetings, reading up, getting help from both friends and professionals, and generally learning to know when I really do need help and, more importantly, asking for it. These are things that have never been all that easy for me to do, or even recognize in myself. And not just with my self-destructive tendencies. I seem to have had a knack for suffering in silence when I need assistance with anything, which of course only makes it worse when things come crashing down.
That's something I've been working on with my various therapists and counselors: asking for what I need. I'm not good at it. I feel embarrassed doing it, so I often just do without and let things get worse. Basically, even though I'm recognizing it for what it is, I still get embarrassed to admit that I need help. I don't know why. Rationally, I realize that it's not necessarily a failure on my part (although I do own up to the fact that some of my struggles are the result of my own actions, or non-actions, as the case may be), but it feels like it is.
Or sometimes, I'm just not ready to admit that there even is a problem (See RE: The most recent year of my life). Like a four year old, I often operate under the premise that, if I can't see it (or if I just ignore it), it's not there. If nothing else, Memorial Day weekend taught me that that strategy is a losing proposition pretty much every time it's tried.
Where does all this come from? Is it a byproduct of any, or all, of the issues I've been dealing with? They all seem to feed off of each other, in a way. The EFD is a symptom of the greater issue of ADHD, which leads to depression, and sometimes alcoholism (if you're so inclined, I suppose), which is also related to co-dependency. I guess this falls under the co-dependency umbrella. The good news is, I've started the CB therapy (although it's not strictly CBT, he uses other methods and techniques with it) and I already have some understanding and ability to recognize when I'm falling back on bad habits or tendencies. I'm learning to recognize what stress level, or lack thereof, I'm at at any given moment, and I think I'm getting better at asking for help from people when I need it. I guess that can only really be observed from without at this point.
No comments:
Post a Comment