I was listening, recently, to a conversation between two teachers, when they started talking about something called Executive Function Disorder. I'd never heard the term before, but everything they were describing almost compelled me to chime in with "You know, I'm standing right here." Everything they were saying sounded exactly like what I've felt like all my life. For those of you who didn't click the link above, Executive Function Disorder is usually, but not always, linked closely with ADHD. Its' most common symptoms include things like the inability to organize, plan, adjust, start or complete a task. Usually it's accompanied by a feeling of being overwhelmed, even with things that seem simple for others.
Think of it this way: Your child has a messy room almost all the time. You keep telling him to clean his room and get it organized, and yet it remains in a constant state of disarray. If your child has EFD, simply telling him to clean his room is like telling him to build and fly a space shuttle. He can't process "Go clean your room" because he doesn't know what that means. He has no idea where to start, what to pick up and put away first. Same goes for phrases like "Go do your homework." If he has homework from five different classes, he wont be able to process that, because he can't figure out what subject to start with.
This is almost exactly how I've gone through my life up until now. When I was still in my dark fog recently, I would think about all the things I needed to do: Practice the tin whistle, start writing again, get back into a healthy exercise routine, start actively looking for ways to supplement my income, and of course, start going back to therapy to help me with my mental health issues. And I froze up, never really starting any of these things with any sense of urgency or even enthusiasm. Bear in mind, I love playing the whistle, writing, even working out is enjoyable to me. At least the end results are. So why couldn't I get it together and get into all of this? These were all things I enjoyed, and if I do say so, I'm rather good at, and they were important for my physical, mental, and emotional well being.
Here's why: I couldn't figure out where to start. All of these things, while enjoyable, were time consuming and involved me changing what had become my routine, and I just couldn't figure out what to do first. Unfortunately, it took some pretty upsetting events to shock my system into taking action on all of them, and even one or two of them continue to have stuttering starts and stops. But these days, I am ever mindful of my tendency to retreat when things get overwhelming, and I'm determined, at those times, to double down and force my way through that ennui to the other side. It's helped me re-lose the weight I had gained since my surgery, go back to therapy (actually THREE therapists, because I'm determined not to do anything halfway again), focus more on what makes me satisfied and happy, and most importantly, curbed my self-destructive tendencies (READ: Drinking) before they passed the point of no return.
I'm not saying I'm cured. I don't think that ever really happens with mental health issues, unfortunately. When part of your brain is broken, it tends to stay broken. All I can do is keep going to therapy, keep my goals and desires in mind, and remember my motivation to follow through and actually DO, instead of WANT to do.
Go dtí an chéad uair eile...
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