Ever Backing Down

For the longest time, I wanted to be a comic book artist.  Me and my friends used to create our own comics, and buy comics by the truckload just to look at the art.  We also read them, of course, but we were obsessed with comic book art.  My favorite was John Byrne, who drew the X-Men at the time, then moved on to several other books like Alpha Flight, the Fantastic Four, and a bunch of others.  I bought books (as always) on how to draw comics, went to comic book conventions in my area to talk to the artists there.  I even mustered up the courage once to send my artwork to Marvel.  They were very nice and encouraging in their response.  I really really wanted to someday do that for a living.

So why don't I?  Well, I guess I just got talked out of it.  After years of being told by adults that my dreams were unrealistic, something in me just gave in and gave up.  As I look back, I realize I've let that happen a lot over the course of my life.  I don't know why I do that, and it's something I've been trying to work on for years.  There's a line in the movie Clerks that sums it up perfectly.  When Randall turns to Dante and says "That is the leitmotif of your life, 'Ever-backing-down,'" I started nodding my head the first time I saw that scene, because I recognized myself in that statement.

Recently, one of my therapists recommended the book Co-Dependent No More to me.  I guess the things I've told her about recent events in my life have led her to believe I may have issues with co-dependency.  I'm certainly someone who tends to want to keep the peace more than anything.  That's not always bad, but it often leads to me giving up what I want in order to make everyone else happy.  Like my dreams for myself.  I guess that started in childhood.  Most co-dependents come from certain backgrounds, and as a result try to either avoid those situations by controlling them, or end up in the exact same kinds of relationships because they're familiar or comfortable, as odd as that may sound.

So I'm reading the book, and thinking of ways I can change my behavior so that I'm getting more of what I need out of a relationship (any relationship), while contributing to the happiness and well being of others.  And continuing to learn things about myself that I both like and loathe.  It's been almost 20 years since I graduated from college, and I guess I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.